Many have written about it, Muslim and non-Muslim. It is a topic known to many and a pain felt by even more. While the pain may be dealt with or shared with people differently, it’s intensity is deep for all that go through it generally. Loosing a child is painful, and the one that people haven’t yet seen makes people less sympathetic towards the realization of one’s pain. For a mother, her child is alive from the moment she conceives, way before the delivery time comes.
It’s painful (I wonder if this word even justifies the emotion) – it’s going to hurt emotionally more than physically. Depending on various factors i.e. for how long you tried before you conceived, how far along you were in the pregnancy, etc. the intensity of pain would vary but the feeling of loss is no less for any. While I cannot put in words the emotions felt at the moment of loss, I will tell you it is a deep emotion and you are bound to feel it. Accept it, own it. Once you accept it, only then you can work on how to handle it. I personally have come up with some reminders that have helped me and I hope they will help those who have or are going through this testing time of their lives.
It Wasn’t Your Fault
As humans, the first question that pops up is why and how did it happen? While there may be specific medical reasons for some, for many there is really no answer to why and how. It was simply: bound to happen. Regardless, don’t blame yourself.
My gynecologist once told me and I always remind myself of it: “it is nature’s way of fixing things, only the child who isn’t strong enough is miscarried; so it is something to be grateful for…while it is very painful realize that it could have been even more worse…..for instance, having a child with disabilities.”
Remember: It was Qadar Allah, don’t let anyone make you believe otherwise. (Not even your in-laws!)
Children are Amanah
ALLAH gives us Children as an Amanah, a trust. They are given to us as blessing and test. While we long for children and once we have them we raise them with our blood, not just sweat, at the end we do all of it for the sake of ALLAH. We simply fulfill our duty of raising good Muslims and we will be held accountable for it in Akhirah. Our children are with us for some time, some are for more time and some are for less. They belong to ALLAH alone. When I was asked about how my pregnancy was going, I simply said Alhamdulillah ALLAH took His Amanah back – it was a reminder for myself while uttering those words to others.
People People People
Humans are social beings. While many of us may say it doesn’t matter to them what people think or say, reality is it does, at least with regards to some people. More or less, people DO affect us – especially through their verbal and non-verbal communication.
So, be careful about who you share news of your loss with and when you do it. With some people you rather wait and inform once you are more emotionally stable, that is because of the following two points.
May be – They don’t mean it but still it Hurts: Many people unintentionally (hopefully) hurt the one already in pain by asking questions like “how did it happen?” Or “What did you do?”
May be they do not realize the amount of pain their questions cause because the woman who just lost her baby already feels that it was something “she did” that caused the death of her unborn child. People need to be more sympathetic and wise when dealing with those in such a painful and emotional state.
Don’t Listen To People: some people believe saying that it’s not a big thing helps, well it doesn’t. It just makes you think “you are not supposed to feel what you are feeling,” which is wrong and causes you to have self fight. You are bound to be hurt. Everybody is different, you might find it more emotionally painful than some other sister who went through the same thing or may be less painful than her. There is no right or wrong here. Loss is a loss. So, accept that it’s OKAY to feel what you are feeling.
He Lost a Child Too
I wouldn’t say much on this except that please realize that your man has lost a child too. Even if he doesn’t express his tears and pain – he feels it too; his dreams, joys, expectations are shattered too. Just be considerate of that. Stick together, let this testing time strengthen your bond as a couple.
Give Yourself Time
At that moment when you lose your baby….it feels like end of the world. No words to describe it. It can be very hard to handle the emotions, especially if it was your first pregnancy. A lady who already has a child and then goes through this pain has it totally different, yes it’s still very very painful but her other child/children are a very good distraction (alhamdulillah). Pain is still there, she just has uncontrollable constant distraction around her.
“Time will heal everything,” I have read this and heard it a lot too, it doesn’t mean pain will vanish; rather you will learn to handle it and it will get a more settled place in your heart. And trust me, it happens alhamdulillah.
Also, make sure to keep yourself busy with productive tasks that keep your “mind” busy. It is very important.
Soon you’ll be pregnant again and give birth to a gorgeous baby who will bring lots of light into your life (in sha ALLAH). Don’t lose hope in the mercy of ALLAH.
Hold on Tightly To
Du’a – my personal favorite is the du’a of Umm Salamah, it has done wonders in my life alhamdulillah.
Umm Salamah (May Allah be pleased with her) reported:
I heard the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) saying, “When a person suffers from a calamity and utters: ‘Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi raji’un. Allahumma ujurni fi musibati, wakhluf li khairan minha (We belong to Allah and to Him we shall return. O Allah! Compensate me in my affliction, recompense my loss and give me something better in exchange for it), then Allah surely compensates him with reward and better substitute.” Umm Salamah (May Allah be pleased with her) said: When Abu Salamah (May Allah be pleased with him) died, I repeated the same supplication as the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) had commanded me (to do). So Allah bestowed upon me a better substitute than him (I was married to Muhammad, the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ)).
Salah – Shed tears to Him, because He alone controls our hearts and He alone knows the depth of our pain and from Him alone we will get the most needed comfort. Cry in sujood in salah, after salah.
Good Friends – People who remind you of ALLAH. Whether you tell them about your loss or not, just be around people who remind you of ALLAH because indeed they are the good friends that we all need.
May ALLAH help those who are going through this painful test by giving comfort to their hearts and blessing them with good news of health righteous children (aameen).