“I didn’t know you were serious,” he said that to her. It came as a shock to her that her “husband,” whom she had been married to since two months, thought that their Nikah was not serious. That day she realized the reality of her relationship, but she denied to accept it even to her own self.
Secret Online Marriages of Muslim Women – do they really happen? Yes, they do, but witnesses are close to none or few, after all these are secret marriage.
Whether it be young innocent practicing Muslim trying to marry someone without his parents involvement secretly online or a cunning man trying to have a secret source of halal entertainment, either way victims are only women in these secret online marriages. While the term “halal entertainment” may confuse some, but for those who are aware of the dark side of the world would understand what I mean here. These men keep these marriages as their secret lives that they live part time, and even if their parents know about it – they usually don’t accept such a marriage. As for what they think of the girl & her family will require a totally different post in & of itself, so keep that on side for now. But girl’s parents must know, right? Because she needs a wali? Yeah, right! Unfortunately, parents of these girls reach to such a level in their parenthood that they give up in front of the demand of their daughters and let them be victims of these online traps in hope and with prayers that everything works out well in the end. It is their helplessness as parents. Internet has indeed made many parents helpless, but they become helpless as a result of their choice to let their daughters have freedom online. Back to the topic, in most cases, girl’s parents know – now what? Awareness of girl’s parents does what good? They won’t tell anyone about it, how and what will they tell? Should they tell people that they married off their daughter to someone whom they and their daughter have NEVER SEEN IN PERSON, lives in some place they have never been to (in some cases), they have no idea when ruksati will happen (i.e. when girl will move in with the guy) and last but not least the guy’s parents are neither aware of it nor will they accept their daughter or marriage even if they come to know. Well, let’s just say – they rather die then to state this to the world (you will feel the pain in these words if you are a parent or once you become a parent).
At some point, girl does realize the blunder she has made. However, it is hard to accept for her that she made such a wrong decision, so she chooses to continue to pray and force her decision to somehow turn out right or at least be able to hide it from her family and people that it was a wrong decision. She wants to save her respect. Obviously, it is not easy to admit that the man for whom she fought with her parents ruined her life upside down and doesn’t even think of her more than his part time halal entertainment. So these girls become slaves to the wishes, desires and wants of their “secret husbands” because after all “you have to obey your husband,” don’t you? In most cases, it continues to be like that until these men themselves free these victims (oh, sorry! I means wives) of theirs. It is devastating, that these men turn their secret wives into porn stars for themselves (personal use only, that – if they are nice guys!). If a girl denies or shows hesitation then blackmailing of divorcing her and/or the romance & promises drama is done to achieve one’s goals. The emotional pain of these sisters is unexplainable in words, may be that is the reason they choose not to speak about it.
Just imagine, a girl who for 16-17-18 or even 20 years of her life was under the shelter of her parents and since the time she grew up she got respect, love, honor, dignity, and had dreams of how her marriage, wedding, spouse and life will be. All of those are shattered because she fell for a guy with whom she assumed it to be a short term compromise and at the end she expected she will have all those “normal things” that “normal girls” want and get without even asking for. All those normal things/wishes become stars for her, unattainable. All of this she bears alone.
There are many out there like this. It is unfortunate that neither Muslims want to talk about it, nor educate our young girls. Marriage without guy’s parents is VALID, but Islam says that the news of marriage should be spread – which is not done in these marriages just so that these men can take benefit & get away without having to give any explanations. It has become “halal” way of using and throwing girls. We have to give them credit though, they at least do the drama of “halalifying” their use and throw process unlike thousands of those who do everything same just without the online/on call nikah.
Don’t get me wrong here, marriages without the approval of guys’ families are valid Islamically (though it is wise not to start a marriage on the wrong terms with in laws but it depends from situation to situation). But the process of choosing, finalizing and at the end conducting marriage is not a joke – it should be taken very seriously and the Islamic guidelines should be followed to protect the honor of the girl and her family.
Advise to Stay Safe
- When a girl is online she should make sure that all her passwords are available to her mahrams.
- Laptops, etc should be used in front of others only – not in privacy.
- Communication with na mahrams should be strict and to the point, if needed and should not be done in private messages, etc.
- Stay in good company. Have good friends. (It is very important point yet highly underestimated).
- Even if a very practicing guy in a very religious forum tries to reach a girl for a religious discussion in private messages – it should be made very clear to him that her mahram MALE will be added in the message conversation. And HE SHOULD BE ADDED RIGHT AWAY- it shouldn’t just be used as a warning.
- If anyone – even the most religious guy – reaches you for marriage directly, give your father his details and him your fathers number. Parents should be involved right in the beginning, so that if they smell any suspicious thing they can guide and protect their girl – before she gets emotionally attached to the guy.
- No matter what problems you have in life, don’t seek help from a na mahram guy in privacy – it will only make your life more problematic.
For Those Already Trapped
If you are stuck in such a relationship, since it is a nikah at the end of the day – I cannot out right suggest divorce. Each case is different and needs different methods to handle the situation wisely. Seek personal help. But remember 2 things:
- Bring your parents in front now – let him and your parents know that now they will decide what happens in your life till you finally move in with him as “normal wives” do at some point in their lives.
- Some times trying to make such relationships only brings more and more pain. So the solution in such cases is to let it be and move on. Moving on is very hard but doable and there is light at the end of the tunnel. But sticking to someone with whom it is blunt reality that it is only going to get worse is stupidity. Have mercy on yourself and/or at the very least have mercy on those who raised you to be who you are today.
For sisters who are stuck in similar relationships except that they are not halalified by nikah – don’t even think – JUST MOVE ON. Seek help and get yourself out of the crap. No matter what you have done with this guy, there is no reason to continue that and kill yourself over it. Humans make mistakes and commit sins, do sincere tauba and shove his existence in your past as though it never existed.
For sisters who are considering to halalify their online relationship through such online secret marriage in hope that it will be secret only for a short time: STOP CHEATING YOURSELF. Have some mercy on yourself. If he is really a good guy, then wait till things turn out right and when your marriage can be made public only then marry him. Starting right thing with the right guy in a wrong way will turn everything wrong. If he is a right guy, he will protect your izzah from his own self during this waiting period.
I am in no shape or form eligible to provide any Islamic advise as an Imam or Scholar is and I am not a counselor either. But still if any sister needs my help or advise then don’t hesitate, feel free to message me on my Facebook page to keep it private.
May ALLAH help all of our sisters who are stuck in any of these situations, may ALLAH protect all women from all forms of such things, may ALLAH give strength and power to such sisters to get out of these situations (aameen).