Being a Daughter, Being a Daughter In Law, Being a Mother, Being a Muslimah, Being a Sister, Being a Wife

Dealing with Harsh Words coming from Loved Ones.

Some of the most painful sentences/phrases we hear in our lives come from our loved ones. It can be any of our loved ones, our parent, our sibling, our spouse, or even our child. It is hard to bear those and a very natural reaction to those is replying back in anger or something similar, which only results in fights and some times very deep scars on one’s heart.

Following is a method that I would suggest someone going through such situation to try (in sha ALLAH), everything is based on what I have learned through our Deen and personal life experience 🙂 bidhnillah.

{Kindly remember that help comes from Allah, so before taking any step say bismillah hir rehmanir raheem + make du’a that Allah helps you in the matter and your words leave good impact on the person + read the du’a of Musa (alayhi salam)}

First time your loved some says a specific sentence that hurts you a lot. Let it go, it might be unintentional and the person may realize his/her mistake internally (people don’t always go around apologizing and confessing that “I have realized my mistake”, that’s just how it is – accept it and don’t always expect an apology) and never do it again. In such a case, your bringing it up can embarrass the person and cause him/her to go in denial. So it is best that for first time, just be like nothing happened. (However, if it really hurting the relationship drastically then take the steps told below at this stage itself.)
Second time the same person says the same sentence that hurts you a lot. Don’t react over there. Stay calm. Later on look for a good and private time with that person and communicate that his/her such and such sentence hurts u. Don’t say: when YOU say such and such, rather say: when such and such thing is said it hurts me (notice the difference, in second one, you are not bringing up that person and blaming him/her for your hurt by saying YOU did it.) If the person says “but it’s true”, politely say “even if it is true it hurts me….please try to avoid saying that”. (Do this while giving the person benefit of doubt in your heart: the person may be didn’t even realize his/her saying this hurts you.)

Third time, the same person and the same sentence. Don’t say anything over there. Later, again politely remind that person that such and such statement hurts you. Just as a reminder. Shaitan makes us forget, we all forget – it’s okay. May be the person doesn’t really realize the impact of his/her words on you and that’s why unable to give it enough importance to remember.

Again the person says it or it even becomes a routine for that person to say that thing. Act like nothing happened. You conveyed that it hurts u, you reminded the person, khallas your job is done. Now, either the person is saying out of ignorance (not able to understand impact of his/her words) or the person doesn’t care if it hurts you (in which case, no amount of argument or lecturing isn’t going to benefit the situation) or the person is falling in the traps of shaitan and saying things which would cause fights among you.

Be a better person. Let it go (let it go DOESN’T MEAN that you don’t say anything over there but then make faces, etc. Let it go means LET IT GO like nothing happened). It’s very hard in the beginning but later by the help and will of ALLAH the nafs gets trained bidhnillah. Meanwhile, make du’a for the guidance of that person, make du’a that ALLAH makes it easy for you to handle the situation wisely and patiently, make du’a that ALLAH protect you and that person from tricks of shaitan and seek reward from ALLAH ALONE for your patience. And give excuses to that person for the sake of ALLAH.

Many times, a very big hurdle that comes between us and patience training is our ego.
“How could he/she say that to me??? to me???” The key is to humble yourself. Our Prophet Muhammad (Salla ALLAHU alayhi was sallam) was way better than any of us yet he heard a lot from His own relatives and loved one with patience. Read about our Prophet and Prophets before Him and Sahaba, and how their own loved ones caused them pain yet they were patient. These are our role models 🙂

Note: In no way I intend to say that it’s okay for the other person to say those things, but since this post is not about whether it is right or not to say hurtful stuff to others I really had to stick to the topic and advise the one going through the hurtful words/sentences.