Being a Wife

My Husband Doesn’t Obey Me

A sister recently asked me if only I obey my husband or does he also obey me?

Honestly, I was shocked by the question because I couldn’t believe a Muslimah would expect a husband to obey his wife. (It is nothing against that sister. She is dear to me, and I understand from where she was coming).

A relationship between a couple is very unique, and alhamdulillah our religion (Islam) gives us a lot of guidelines to handle it well.

A husband is not supposed to “OBEY” his wife, he is the Qawwam (Leader).

  • A leader orders and those under him obey (as long as it is not against deen).
  • A leader takes suggestions and pieces of advice from his subjects whenever he wants or feels need but he is not obliged to follow anyone’s suggestion or advise. It is up to him to make a decision.

These are VERY important points to remember for a Muslimah to be an obedient wife. These things are very clear in our deen so that a couple doesn’t go through power struggle issue. A house cannot have two leaders.

It doesn’t mean you cannot be his friend. It doesn’t mean you can’t share your view/beliefs with him (just don’t expect him to make decisions based on those). It doesn’t mean you lose your identity. Many times, it is all about learning to talk at the right time and in the right manner – you can actually convince him that your point is worth considering and then there is no need for him to “obey” you :D. The more you fight for power, the more you will be pushed away; but the more you submit, the more power you will gain (in sha ALLAH), trust me on that :). However, there is a condition, submission must be for the sake of ALLAH & sincere.

Unfortunately, nowadays many sisters connect negative feelings/words with “obeying everything husband says,” i.e. I am not his slave, etc.

It’s not about being his slave, it’s about following guidelines given by our religion which are in our own best interest.

I obey my husband seeking ALLAH’s pleasure, because I know for a Muslimah after marriage, after ALLAH & Rasoolullah (sallahu alayhi was sallam) comes her husband.

When one does something seeking ALLAH’s pleasure and not a human being’s appreciation – it all becomes very easy. Any time something makes you angry or goes against your ego – say to ALLAH with a low voice (so that you also hear it – and only you hear it – keep it sincere): “This is for Your pleasure my Rabb, only for You.”